비교해본 수원지-1

December 25, 2008 by heaven34yz

비교해본 수원지-1

                                   
내가 세스나기를 세 내어 직접 촬영, 뒤쪽 오른쪽에서 첫째집이 땅이 2배 큰 한국인(6acre)집, 2번째 집이 우리 집, 3번째가 고향친구 집. 12에이커 땅(짚터 14,688평)에 한국인 3세대가 나란히 산다, 4번째 집은 미국인 집인데 입장료를 받고 잘 가꾸어 놓은 뒷마당 정원을 일반인들에게 공개 한다. (이 동내는 수원지 오염을 생각해서 최소한 대지가 3acre:3,672평이 되어야 군청에서 건축허가가 나온다)

                            
위의 사진을 찍기 위해서 메릴렌드 주 Laurel에 위치한 Tipton 소형비행장의 세스나 연습기를 사용했음(이곳에는 경비행기 수 십대를 세워 두엇는데 땅에다가 고리를 박고 밧줄로  매두지 않으면 비행기가 바람에 날려간다)

                                                 비교해본 수원지-1

좀 오래된 이야기가 되지만 어느 날의 한국일보 기사는 나를 놀라게 했다.

첫째는 경기도청이 지금까지 도내 82개의 골프장에 하루에 30, 40명의 예약을 받아 오다가 지금은 중단을 했다니 상부 기관의 월권행위와 도청 직원들의 혈세를 축내는 행위에 국민들의 지탄을 피할 수 없을 것 같다.

부킹을 부탁하는 사람은 주로 중앙부처, 고급 공무원, 수사기관, 정치인, 언론사의 인사들이란다.

둘째는 팔당호에는 9,520개의 음식점, 549개의 숙박업소, 3,812개의 공장이 있다고 하며 게다가 목장과 골프장까지 합치면 오염도의 수위가 너무나 높다고 신문지면을 장식하지만 아직 아무런 대안은 없다 한다.

어떤 업소는 오물을 방류하여 20차례 이상 적발되지만 아무런 시정조치 없이 지금도 건제하며 환경시설을 하는 것 보다 벌금이 더 싸기 때문이라니 환경청의 권한이 약해서 인지는 몰라도 모든 토건 공사는 환경청을 거쳐야하기에 최고의 힘을 자랑하는 미국과는 사뭇 대조적이다.

오염에 관계된 방송에 나온 이야기로 홍콩의 한 산부인과 여의사의 통계에 의하면 30%의 불임여성이 생선회를 먹는 여자이고 3%는 생선회를 안 먹는 여자이라는데 모든 생선이 오염 되었으니 많이 먹을수록 나쁘다고 한다.

세트라이트에서 촬영한 황해의 사진을 보면 양자강부근의 바다 색깔은 오염이 되어 노란 색을 띤다.

내가 바람 한 점 없이 흐느적거리는 어느 무더운 여름날 교통체증을 앓는 강남의 도로에서 차들이 내뿜는 혼탁한 배기 때문에 괴로움을 당한 적이 있었는데 조용하고 넓은 공간에 익숙해진 내가 한국 방문 때 서울에서 직접 느껴본 공기의 오염도는 한없이 높아 눈물 ,콧물, 기침이 그치지 않아 다급했던 적이 있었는데 며칠 동안이나마 머물러본 이곳을 하루라도 빨리 시골로 탈출하고픈 충동을 느꼈다.

이정도의 환경에 사는 시민들이라면 아마도 호흡기 계통 질환이 가장 많을 것이라고 그동안 생각하며 관심을 가졌는데 며칠 전의 신문에 그전에는 최고의 사망률이 위암이었으나 지금은 폐암이라는 기사를 읽고 내 추측이 허황되지는 않았다는 것을 알았다.

황사에 스모그 현상인데 하늘을 향해 솟은 위용의 숫한 건물들 사이로 그 맑든 쪽(藍)빛의 하늘은 흐릿한 회색으로 바뀌어 내가 서울에 살적을 회고케 했는데 그때만 하더라도 평평한 강남들판 옆의 뚝섬건너의 다리 교두보 옆에서 낚시로 크디큰 붕어를 낚았고 빈 논은 겨울이면 물을 가두어 얼린 유료 스케이트장에서 맑은 공기를 호흡하며 귓전에 바람소리가 씽씽 날정도로 달린 것이 약 30년 전이다.

지금은 온데간데 없어진지 오래된 현상이니 내가 완전히 중학교시절 함철상 서생님이 가르치던 내가 기억하는 영어책에 나오는 륍벤 윈클(Rip Van Winkle)이 된 셈이다.

그는 하늘에 닿는 캐스킬(Katskill,뉴욕에 있는 산)산에 사냥 갔다가 술통을 굴려서 천둥소리를 만드는 난장이가 주는 술에 취해 20년 동안 바위 위에서 낮잠을 잔 사나이인데 그가 깨어나 보니 수염은 길었고, 총(책에는 fire lock으로 되어 있었음)은 녹 쓸어 있고 사냥개는 온데간데없으며 몸은 찌뿌드드했고, 옷은 삭았으며 고향에 내려가 보니 딸은 이미 시집을 갔고 그의 친구 봄 다쳐는 죽었더란다.

우리 집에 방문 오신 이모님이 “너 네 집 공기가 참 좋다.”는 말을 하신일이 있는데 조카의 생활터전이니 그 당시는 듣기 좋은 소리라고 생각했다.

그리고 다른 사람의 이야기로 아들의 집을 방문한 할머니는 언제나 떠나지 않는 두통 때문에 2개월 치의 뇌싱 이라는 약을 휴대하고 왔는데 이곳에 온 후로는 두통이 말끔히 가시어 약을 도로 가지고 귀국했다니 이런 일이 “자연은 가장 훌륭한 의사이다(Nature is the best physician).” 라는 속담을 뒷받침 한다.

우리 동네 뒤에는 퍼특선 강(Patuxun river)을 막은 인공호수가 있으며 음료수자원의 근원이니 법으로 오염을 우려하여 집을 띄엄띄엄 짓는데 3에이커(3,672평)이상 되어야 건축허가가 나오는데 우리 집도 예외일수는 없다.

12에이커의 대지에 한국인 3세대(8명)가 나란히 집을 지어 서 살며 모두 샘물을 먹게 되는데 폐수는 강으로 흘러들지 않게 집집마다 정화조 속으로 잦아들게 하여서 썩혀버리니 폐수냄새나 공해가 없다.

육로로는 남의 집 구경이 불가능하지만 공로로는 가능한데 강변을 따라 경비행기로 여러 번 돌아보았는데 발아래로 보이는 광경에 놀란 것은(미국 가구당 평균 2.6명 거주)강변을 따라가며 숲 속에 위치한 어떤 부자동네는 자가 수영장을 소유한 저택이 반수를 넘었고 꽃밭과 잔디가 잘 가꾸어져서 있어서 한 폭의 그림과 같아서 이곳이 천국인가 싶을 정도이니 부를 시기하는 과격파가 이끄는 테러집단의 공격대상이 미국이라는 기사가 그리 허황된 것이 아니다.

미국인 한사람의 생활비면 악천후에 박토의 후진국에 사는 사람 수십 명의 생활비로 충분함에 해당 할 것이다.

임대한 집에 세를 든 미국인은 직업이 수영장을 설치, 수리하거나 물 순환기계나 필터 같은 것을 갈아주기도 하는 직업을 가진 사람이라고 해서 처음에는 의아스러워했으나 여러 개의 자가 수영장을 본 후에야 그의 설명은 맞는다고 생각했는데 군청직원이 수시로 나와서 풀장에 박테리아가 오염되었는지 검사를 한단다.

내가 사용해본 몽고메리 카운티 사설 경비행장은 내가 휴대한 카메라 가방과 신분증을 면밀히 검토 했는데 워싱턴 시와 붙어 있어서 가까우니 정부에서 파견 나온 비행사가 아래위가 붙은 비행복장을 하고 오른쪽어깨로부터 대각선으로 벨트를 매어 권총을 왼쪽 겨드랑이에 차고 혹시 누가 비행기를 탈취해서 테러를 일으킬 가봐 대기하고 있다.

비행기는 날기 전에 사용하는 휘발유(옥탄가 100)에 혹시 물이 혼합되었는지를 날개 밑의 가장 낮은 부분의 8곳을 드레인 시키고 종이에 적힌 약 20여 가지의 진행순서를 번호 데로 소리 내어 읽으며 진행을 하는데 예를 들면 방향타의 작동, 여러 계기들의 동작확인, 워밍업, 교신기의 작동 상태 등을 확인 한 후 대기하다가 컨트롤 타워에서 “롸저!” 하면 활주로를 달리게 되는데 GPS도 장착되어있다.

배터리가 28V로 자동차보다 전압이 2배 이상인 것은 전깃줄을 가늘게 하여 기체의 중량을 줄이기 위함인데 수도파이프가 가늘더라도 수압을 높이면 더 많은 물이 많이 흐르는 것과 같은 이치이다.

조종간이 있어서 당기면 상승이고 밀면 하강인데 방향을 바꾸는데 핸들(조종간)을 사용하여 앞날개의 핀(fin)을 조종하니 자동차가 커브를 돌때 몸이 쏠리는 것 같은 현상이 일어나지 않는 장점이 있다.

땅에서는 브레이크 페달이 2개 있어서 두발을 사용하여 바퀴를 조종 하는데 약하게 한쪽 페달을 밟으면 그쪽으로 방향을 바꾸고 양쪽 다 세게 밟으면 정지를 하게 되며 내가 밴쿠버에서 타본 수상쌍발 비행기는 호수에 내린 후 바퀴가 없으니 한쪽 프로펠러를 정지하면 그쪽으로 방향을 바꾸는 것이다.

신문사에서 사진을 찍기 위하고, 송유관 순찰 할 때 세스나기를 사용하는 것은 날개가 동체위쪽에 위치하여 창문을 열고 밑을 직접 내려다 볼 수 있기 때문이다.

헬리콥터는 문을 열고 고개를 내밀면 머리위의 날개로부터 아래로 내려 부는 바람 때문에 카메라를 놓칠 정도로 흔들려서 사진의 질이 나쁘니 부적격이어 돈만 허비 했다.

세스나기도 머리를 내밀면 카메라를 놓칠 정도로 아래서 치솟는 바람 때문에 역시 흔들리며 창을 열고 기체를 45도로 기울여서 밑을 보아도 역시 빠르게 위로 부는 바람 때문에 카메라에 흔들림이 있으니 우리 동내 지붕 위를 날며 사진 한 컷을 찍는데 5초밖에 안주어 지는 것은 기체의 속도가 너무 느리면 수직하강으로 인한 추락이 있기 때문이다.

 

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The Nature of Things and Our Salvation

December 23, 2008 by heaven34yz

akademgorodokA number of you will remember this post from a year ago. It is foundational to many discussions on this site. I thought it might be helpful to post again – after all – new readers are always coming on board.

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The nature of things is an important question to ask – or should I say an a priori question. For once we are able to state what is the nature of things then the answers to many questions framed by the nature of things will also begin to be apparent. All of this is another way of saying that questions have a way of determining answers. So what is the nature of things? More specifically, what is the nature of things such that Christians believe humanity needs salvation? (Non-Christians will already feel co-opted but I write as a Christian – can’t be helped).

I want to briefly state several things which seem to me to be of importance about the nature of things in this regard.

1. It is the nature of things that man does not have a legal problem with God. That is to say, the nature of our problem is not forensic. The universe is not a law-court.

2. It is the nature of things that Christ did not come to make bad men good, but to make dead men live. This is to say that the nature of our problem is not moral but existential or ontological. We have a problem that is rooted in the very nature of our existence, not in our behavior. We behave badly because of a prior problem. Good behavior will not correct the problem.

3. It is the nature of things that human beings were created to live through communion with God. We were not created to live as self-sufficient individuals marked largely by our capacity for choice and decision. To restate this: we are creatures of communion, not creatures of consumption.

So much for the nature of things. (I’ll do my best to leave behind the syllogisms and return to my usual form of writing.)

Much of my experience as an American Christian has been an encounter with people who do not see mankind’s problem as existential or ontological – but rather as moral. They have seen that we behave badly and thought that the primary task of the Church (following whatever event was considered “necessary” for salvation) was to help influence people to be “good.” Thus I recall a Sunday School teacher who in my pre-school years (as well as a first-grade teacher who attempted the same) urging me and my classmates to “take the pledge.” That is, that we would agree not to smoke tobacco or drink alcohol before age 21. The assumption seemed to be that if we waited that long then we would likely never begin. In at least one of those cases an actual document was proffered. For the life of me I cannot remember whether I signed or not. The main reason I cannot remember was that the issues involved seemed unimportant to me at the time. Virtually every adult in my life smoked. And I was not generally familiar with many men who did not drink. Thus my teachers were asking me to sign a document saying that I thought my father and my grandfather were not good men. I think I did not sign. If I did, then I lied and broke the pledge at a frightfully early age.

My later experience has proven the weakness of the assumptions held by the teachers of my youth. Smoking wasn’t so much right or wrong as it was addicting and deadly. I smoked for 20 years and give thanks to God for the grace he gave me to quit. I feel stupid as I look back at the actions of those 20 years, but not necessarily “bad.” By the same token, I have known quite a few alcoholics (some of them blood relatives) and have generally found them to be about as moral as anyone else and sometimes moreso. I have also seen the destruction wrought by the abuse of alcohol. But I have seen similar destruction in families who never drank and the continuation of destruction in families where alcohol had been removed. Drinking can have serious consequences, but not drinking is not the same thing as curing the problem.

I had a far more profound experience, indeed a series of experiences, when I was ten years old – experiences that made a much deeper impression and framed the questions that burned in my soul about the nature of things.

The first experience was the murder of an aunt. She was 45 and a darling of the family. Everyone loved her. Her murder was simply a matter of “random” chance – she was in the wrong place at the wrong time or simply in a convenient place for a man who meant to do great harm to someone. No deep mystery, just a brutal death. The same year another aunt died as a result of a multi-year battle with lupus (an auto-immune disease). And to add to these things, my 10th year was also the year of Kennedy’s assassination. Thus when the year was done it seemed to me that death was an important question – even the important question.

It probably says that I was marked by experiences that were unusual for a middle-class white boy in the early 60’s. It also meant that when I later read Dostoevsky in my late teens, I was hooked.

The nature of things is that people die – and not only do they die – but death, already at work in them from the moment of their birth, is the primary issue. The failure of humanity is not to be found or understood in a purely moral context. We are not creatures of choice and decision. How and why we choose is a very complex process that we ourselves do not understand. We can make a “decision” for Jesus only to discover that little has changed. It is also possible to find ourselves caught in a chain of decisions that bring us to the brink of despair without knowing quite how we got there. Though there are clearly problems with our choosing and deciding, the problem is far deeper.

One of the earliest Christian treatments of the human problem, hence the “nature of things,” is to be found in St. Athanasius’ On the Incarnation. He makes it quite clear that the root problem of humanity is to be found in the process of death. Not only are we all slowly moving towards some inevitable demise, the process of death (decay, corruption) is already at work in us. In Athanasius’ imagery, it is as though we are falling back towards our origins in the dust of the earth. “Remember that you are dust and to dust you shall return.”

And thus it is that when he writes of the work of Christ it is clearly in terms of our deliverance from death (not just deliverance from the consequences of our bodily dissolution and its separation from the soul but the whole process of death itself.)

This is frequently the language of the New Testament as well. St. Paul will write: “I am crucified with Christ, nevertheless I live, yet not I, but Christ liveth in me, and the life that I now live I live by the faith of the son of God who loved me and gave Himself for me.” Or even on a more “moral” note he will caution us to “put to death the deeds of the body.”

The importance of these distinctions (moral versus existential) is in how we treat our present predicament. If the problem is primarily moral then it makes sense to live life in the hortatory mode, constantly urging others to be good, to “take the pledge,” or make good choices. If, on the other hand, our problem is rooted in the very nature of our existence then it is that existence that has to be addressed. And again, the New Testament, as well as the Tradition of the Church, turns our attention in this direction. Having been created for union with God, we will not be able to live in any proper way without that union. Thus our Baptism unites us to the death and resurrection of Christ, making possible a proper existence. Living that proper existence will not be done by merely trying to control our decisions and choices, but by consciously and unconsciously working to maintain our union with God. We are told “greater is He that is in you than he that is in the world.” Thus our victory, and the hope of our victory is “Christ within you, the hope of glory.”

And so if we will live in such communion we will struggle to pray, not as a moral duty, but as the very means of our existence. We pray, we fast, we give alms, we confess, we commune, not in order to be better people, but because if we neglect these things we will die. And the death will be slow and marked by the increasing dissolution of who and what we are.

In over 25 years of ministry, I have consistently found this model of understanding to better describe what I encounter and what I live on a day to day basis. In the past ten years of my life as an Orthodox Christian, I have found this account of things not only to continue to describe reality better – but also to be in conformity with the Fathers. It is a strong case for Christian Tradition that it actually describes reality as we experience it better than the more modern accounts developed in the past four hundred years or so. Imagine. People understood life a thousand years ago such that they continue to describe the existential reality of modern man. Some things do not change – except by the grace of God and His infinite mercy.

      

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The Nature of Things and Our Salvation

December 22, 2008 by heaven34yz

akademgorodokA number of you will remember this post from a year ago. It is foundational to many discussions on this site. I thought it might be helpful to post again – after all – new readers are always coming on board.

+++

The nature of things is an important question to ask – or should I say an a priori question. For once we are able to state what is the nature of things then the answers to many questions framed by the nature of things will also begin to be apparent. All of this is another way of saying that questions have a way of determining answers. So what is the nature of things? More specifically, what is the nature of things such that Christians believe humanity needs salvation? (Non-Christians will already feel co-opted but I write as a Christian – can’t be helped).

I want to briefly state several things which seem to me to be of importance about the nature of things in this regard.

1. It is the nature of things that man does not have a legal problem with God. That is to say, the nature of our problem is not forensic. The universe is not a law-court.

2. It is the nature of things that Christ did not come to make bad men good, but to make dead men live. This is to say that the nature of our problem is not moral but existential or ontological. We have a problem that is rooted in the very nature of our existence, not in our behavior. We behave badly because of a prior problem. Good behavior will not correct the problem.

3. It is the nature of things that human beings were created to live through communion with God. We were not created to live as self-sufficient individuals marked largely by our capacity for choice and decision. To restate this: we are creatures of communion, not creatures of consumption.

So much for the nature of things. (I’ll do my best to leave behind the syllogisms and return to my usual form of writing.)

Much of my experience as an American Christian has been an encounter with people who do not see mankind’s problem as existential or ontological – but rather as moral. They have seen that we behave badly and thought that the primary task of the Church (following whatever event was considered “necessary” for salvation) was to help influence people to be “good.” Thus I recall a Sunday School teacher who in my pre-school years (as well as a first-grade teacher who attempted the same) urging me and my classmates to “take the pledge.” That is, that we would agree not to smoke tobacco or drink alcohol before age 21. The assumption seemed to be that if we waited that long then we would likely never begin. In at least one of those cases an actual document was proffered. For the life of me I cannot remember whether I signed or not. The main reason I cannot remember was that the issues involved seemed unimportant to me at the time. Virtually every adult in my life smoked. And I was not generally familiar with many men who did not drink. Thus my teachers were asking me to sign a document saying that I thought my father and my grandfather were not good men. I think I did not sign. If I did, then I lied and broke the pledge at a frightfully early age.

My later experience has proven the weakness of the assumptions held by the teachers of my youth. Smoking wasn’t so much right or wrong as it was addicting and deadly. I smoked for 20 years and give thanks to God for the grace he gave me to quit. I feel stupid as I look back at the actions of those 20 years, but not necessarily “bad.” By the same token, I have known quite a few alcoholics (some of them blood relatives) and have generally found them to be about as moral as anyone else and sometimes moreso. I have also seen the destruction wrought by the abuse of alcohol. But I have seen similar destruction in families who never drank and the continuation of destruction in families where alcohol had been removed. Drinking can have serious consequences, but not drinking is not the same thing as curing the problem.

I had a far more profound experience, indeed a series of experiences, when I was ten years old – experiences that made a much deeper impression and framed the questions that burned in my soul about the nature of things.

The first experience was the murder of an aunt. She was 45 and a darling of the family. Everyone loved her. Her murder was simply a matter of “random” chance – she was in the wrong place at the wrong time or simply in a convenient place for a man who meant to do great harm to someone. No deep mystery, just a brutal death. The same year another aunt died as a result of a multi-year battle with lupus (an auto-immune disease). And to add to these things, my 10th year was also the year of Kennedy’s assassination. Thus when the year was done it seemed to me that death was an important question – even the important question.

It probably says that I was marked by experiences that were unusual for a middle-class white boy in the early 60’s. It also meant that when I later read Dostoevsky in my late teens, I was hooked.

The nature of things is that people die – and not only do they die – but death, already at work in them from the moment of their birth, is the primary issue. The failure of humanity is not to be found or understood in a purely moral context. We are not creatures of choice and decision. How and why we choose is a very complex process that we ourselves do not understand. We can make a “decision” for Jesus only to discover that little has changed. It is also possible to find ourselves caught in a chain of decisions that bring us to the brink of despair without knowing quite how we got there. Though there are clearly problems with our choosing and deciding, the problem is far deeper.

One of the earliest Christian treatments of the human problem, hence the “nature of things,” is to be found in St. Athanasius’ On the Incarnation. He makes it quite clear that the root problem of humanity is to be found in the process of death. Not only are we all slowly moving towards some inevitable demise, the process of death (decay, corruption) is already at work in us. In Athanasius’ imagery, it is as though we are falling back towards our origins in the dust of the earth. “Remember that you are dust and to dust you shall return.”

And thus it is that when he writes of the work of Christ it is clearly in terms of our deliverance from death (not just deliverance from the consequences of our bodily dissolution and its separation from the soul but the whole process of death itself.)

This is frequently the language of the New Testament as well. St. Paul will write: “I am crucified with Christ, nevertheless I live, yet not I, but Christ liveth in me, and the life that I now live I live by the faith of the son of God who loved me and gave Himself for me.” Or even on a more “moral” note he will caution us to “put to death the deeds of the body.”

The importance of these distinctions (moral versus existential) is in how we treat our present predicament. If the problem is primarily moral then it makes sense to live life in the hortatory mode, constantly urging others to be good, to “take the pledge,” or make good choices. If, on the other hand, our problem is rooted in the very nature of our existence then it is that existence that has to be addressed. And again, the New Testament, as well as the Tradition of the Church, turns our attention in this direction. Having been created for union with God, we will not be able to live in any proper way without that union. Thus our Baptism unites us to the death and resurrection of Christ, making possible a proper existence. Living that proper existence will not be done by merely trying to control our decisions and choices, but by consciously and unconsciously working to maintain our union with God. We are told “greater is He that is in you than he that is in the world.” Thus our victory, and the hope of our victory is “Christ within you, the hope of glory.”

And so if we will live in such communion we will struggle to pray, not as a moral duty, but as the very means of our existence. We pray, we fast, we give alms, we confess, we commune, not in order to be better people, but because if we neglect these things we will die. And the death will be slow and marked by the increasing dissolution of who and what we are.

In over 25 years of ministry, I have consistently found this model of understanding to better describe what I encounter and what I live on a day to day basis. In the past ten years of my life as an Orthodox Christian, I have found this account of things not only to continue to describe reality better – but also to be in conformity with the Fathers. It is a strong case for Christian Tradition that it actually describes reality as we experience it better than the more modern accounts developed in the past four hundred years or so. Imagine. People understood life a thousand years ago such that they continue to describe the existential reality of modern man. Some things do not change – except by the grace of God and His infinite mercy.

      

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Apophaticism

December 10, 2008 by heaven34yz

transfigurationI noted with interest recently that newly-elected Metropolitan Jonah, of the OCA, first became aware of the Orthodox faith through reading Vladimir Lossky’s Mystical Theology of the Eastern Church. It is a very difficult volume. My interest was piqued because this book was also my first introduction to the Othodox faith. I suspect I still do not understand most of what I read. Lossky is best known and associated with writing on Apophatic Theology (apophatic, from the Greek, means “unspeakable”). Many of the greatest writers and Fathers in Orthodox theology held to the importance of an apophatic approach – that is – that we may come to know God best in a manner that is beyond speech. I have always liked Fr. Thomas Hopko’s aphorism: “It is impossible to know God – but you have to know Him to know that.” It states the mystery succinctly.

I would add another aphorism:

It is hard to be deluded when you don’t claim to know anything.

That’s not Hopko – it’s me. What many do not understand is that apophaticism is not an intellectual position, but is itself a way of life – the very heart of Orthodoxy. What seems difficult to most is the idea that declaring that we do not know is a way of knowing. Apophaticism is not agnosticism.

We behold God in a mystery and the mystery we behold is inherently unspeakable (if we truly behold Him).

None of this is to say that we do not preach the Gospel, nor share the good news of God in Christ. But it is a recognition that in our own lives we pursue God not through greater depths of rationality but in a manner that is itself “unspeakable.” Such an approach is begotten of humility and the recognition of both the truth of God and the truth of ourselves.

I have written most recently of the “soul as mystery.” This is not to deny that we may know other people but that to know them properly we must do so in “fear and wonder.” This is the language of love. We do not rightly seek to define the object of our love, but to be in communion. We love and with it language fails. Language fails not because of the lack of knowledge, but because the character of the knowledge we have through love is larger than words. Words may serve as icons – as windows towards the reality they seek to express – but they cannot contain nor fully comprehend that to which they point.

I think particularly of the hymn for the Feast of the Transfiguration:

Thou wast transfigured on the mount, O Christ God,

revealing Thy glory to Thy disciples as far as they could bear it.

Let Thine everlasting Light shine upon us sinners,

through the prayers of the Theotokos.

O Giver of Light, glory to Thee!

“Revealing Thy glory to Thy disciples as far as they could bear it.” We can bear it more than words can say. But if insist on what words can say, we will bear little indeed.

      

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담배를 안피면 어떻게 바뀔까? 금연후 몸의 변화

December 10, 2008 by heaven34yz

금연 20분후
혈압과 맥박이 정상으로 떨어지고 손발의 체온이 정상으로 올라갑니다.

8시간 경과후
혈중 일산화 탄소의 농도가 정상으로 떨어지고 혈중 산소 농도가 정상으로 증가 합니다.

24시간 경과후
심장마비의 위험이 감소됩니다.

48시간 경과후
신경말단이 다시 자라기 시작하고 맛과 냄새감각이 좋아집니다.
슬슬 사람이 되어 간다는 야그죠..^^

2주에서 3개월 경과 후
혈액순환이 좋아지고 발걸음이 가벼워지며 폐기능이 30%이상 증가 합니다.
기적이 벌어지는 거죠^^

1-9개월 경과후
기침,코막힘,피로,호흡곤란드잉 감소 폐의 섬모가 다시 자라나 폐를 깨끗이 할수 있어 감기에 덜 걸리고 신체의 활력이 전반적으로 증가 합니다.

1년 경과후
심장병에 걸릴 위험이 비흡연자의 절반으로 감소 합니다.

5년 경과후
페암 사망률이 보통 흡연자의 절반으로 감소 금연후 5-15년이 자나면 중풍에 걸릴 위험이 비흡연자와 같아지고 구강암 후두암 식도암에 걸릴 위험이 흡연자의 절반으로 감소합니다.

10년 경과 후
폐암사망률이 비흡연자와 같아지고 전암세포(암으로 진행할수 있는 세포)들이 정상 세포로 바뀌며 구강암 후두암 식도암 방광암 신장암 췌장암의 발생 위엄이 감소 합니다.

15년 경과 후
심장병 위험이 비흡연자와 같아 집니다.

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It Is But A Small Thing

December 4, 2008 by heaven34yz

childcandleI have noticed in my daily struggle that most of the things that are of importance turn on very “small things.” The decisions that set me on the course of prayer or kindness are made not with fanfare or even large efforts, but on a moment’s turn. By the same token, the decisions that set me on a course of sin are often so small that I can hardly notice that they were decisions at all.

History books are written about large things – making the in between times in our lives seem insignificant and not worth much trouble. Generally, large decisions are made because we have reached an unavoidable crossroad – but a crossroad that would not exist except for many, even hundreds, of small so-called insignificant decisions.

Dostoevsky is correct that God and the devil engage in warfare and the battleground is the human heart. However, the battle is often fought in very small skirmishes. Brief encounters with the good and brief encounters with evil.

It is not true that the little things do not matter. It may well be that the little things are all we will ever encounter. It is true in every great battle. The historians write about large movements of troops and the effect of terrain – but those who actually do the fighting are aware of each stroke of the sword, of the difficulty of fighting wounded, or without food or rest.

By the same token, those who take up their prayers and beg for the mercy of God, may appear to be engaged in a very small thing. Yet prayer is never small. If it has gained the ear of the God of the universe, how can it ever be small?

No act of kindness is ever too small. No generosity of spirit is ever insignificant. No harsh word not spoken is a minor act of restraint. No effort of forgiveness is without value.

This is the day of salvation. It may come in a thousand discreet moments, every one of which is alive with the fire of God. May He gives us grace to know that all that we are, have and do, is truly great and worthy of every prayer and effort of grace.

      

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Untitled

February 26, 2008 by heaven34yz

* 기도하지 않고 성공했다면 성공한 그것 때문에 망한다.- 스펄젼
* 마른 눈 가지고는 천국에 못 들어간다.- 스펄젼
* 성자를 만들어 내는 것은 기도의 힘이다 – 이 엠 바운즈
* 옷을 만드는 것은 재단사의 일이고 
  구두를 수선하는 것은 구두장이의 일이고
  기도하는 것은 그리스도인의 일이다.

* 기도의 실패자는 생활의 실패자이다. – 이 엠 바운즈
* 잘 기도한 자는 잘 배운 자요

   많이 기도한 자는 많이 운 자이다. - 루터
* 어려운 환경에서 기도하고 싶은 마음마저 없다면 
  우리는 짐승만도 못한 사람들이 아닐 수 없다 – 칼뱅

* 기도란 그리스도의 능력을 붙잡는 손이다.
* 늙어 갈수록 기도를 더 많이 하라.
  그러해야 신령한 일에 냉냉해 지지 않는다.- 죠지 물러

* 싸움터에 나갈 때는 한번 기도하라.
  바다에 나갈 때는 두번 기도하라. 그리고
  결혼할 때는 3번 기도하라.- 러시아 격언

* 하나님의 자녀는 기도로 모든 것을 정복할 수 있다.
  사탄이 교인들에게서 이 무기를 빼앗거나 

  그것의 사용을 제지하려고 최선을 다하는 것은 

  이상한 일이 아니다. – 앤드류 머레이

* 기도는 영혼의 피이다. – 죠지 허비트
* 우리의 기도는 지칠 줄 모르는 힘과 거부될 수 없는
  인내와 꺾여지지 않는 용기로 강하게 구해 야 한다.-이 엠 바운즈

* 기도는 어둠 속에서 하나님을 볼 수 있는 거울이다.
* 기도는 아침의 열쇠요 저녁의 자물쇠이다.- 그레이엄
* 정신을 집중할 수 있을 때에만 기도하라.- 탈무드
* 기도는 천국 발전소의 스위치를 누른 것이다.
* 기도는 천국을 향한 영혼의 가장 간절한 소망이다.

* 기도는 회개한 마음에서 피어나는 달콤한 향기이다.
* 기도는 주님의 현존을 체험하는 것이다.
* 기도는 하나님과의 대화 속에서 우리들의 마음을

  표현하는 것이다.
* 기도는 사랑하는 두 사람의 대화이다.
* 기도는 교회의 원동력이다.

* 기도는 영혼이 행하는 가장 원숙한 기술이다.
  이것은 불타는 열정이며 진실한 삶이고,
  그리스도인 생활의 호흡이다.

* 기도는 하나님의 전능을 배우는 기념품이다.
* 기도는 조용히 문을 열고서 하나님께서 계시는 곳으로

  들어가는 것이다.
* 무릎을 꿇은 그리스도인은 발돋움을 한 천문학자 보다

  더 멀리 본다.  – 토플레디(Augustus Toplady)

* 자녀들에게 기도하는 법을 가르치는 부모들보다

   더 좋은 국민은 없다.
* 그대가 무릎을 끓고 기도한다면 비틀거릴 수 없을 것이다.
* 지극히 높은 비밀한 곳에 들어가는 문은 항상 그곳을 갈망하며

  •    기도하는 자에게 열려있으며 그 기도로서 두드리는 자에게만 열려진다.

* 교회 발전의 역사는 기도의 역사이다.

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길은정 일기

February 25, 2008 by heaven34yz

번호. 387    
길은정

2005-01-04. 00:32   
조회 : 65535   
   

제목 : 2005. 1. 3. 내가 좋아하는 블루

파랑이라는 색깔에서 파생된 색이라면

나는 그냥 좋다.

물론 ‘그냥’ 이라는 답은 없어서

깊이 생각하고 따지고 들어가보면 좋아하는 이유를 알 수 있겠지만

지금은 간단하게 생각하기로 한다.

‘그냥’이라고….

내게는 기타가 2대 있는데

(뭐… 음악을 전문으로하고 기타를 전문적으로 치는 사람들에게는

기타 20여대 이상을 가지고 있는 경우도 있는 걸….)

그 두 대 모두 원목 색깔 그대로를 살린 기타다.

물론 어쿠스틱은 원목 의 빛깔과 나무 결을 그대로 살린 기타 중에서

훨씬 더 좋은 기타를 찾기 쉽지만

이상하게도 나는

파란색으로 칠을 한 기타를 갖고 싶었다.

마침,

국내 기타제조회사인 ‘콜트Cort’에서, 나만의 이니셜이 새겨진

파란색 기타를 만들어주겠다는 약속을 해왔다.

나는 그 분께 ‘정말이냐? 믿을 수 없을 정도다. 사실이냐?’고

수도 없이 물었고

너무 좋아 폴짝 폴짝 그자리에서 뛰기도 했고

뱅글뱅글 돌기도 했었다.

나는 ‘록시’에서나 다른 공연때

와이키키 브라더스와 함께 무대에 서면

반드시 그 파란색 기타를 메고

파랑보다 더 싱그럽게 연주하고 노래하리라 마음 먹었다.

…….

그 약속은 막 여름이 시작되려는 시점에서 이루어졌고

불과 몇 개월 후

나는 걸을 수 없어졌고

휠체어에서만 생활할 수 밖에 없어졌다.

그래서 이미 욕창까지 생겨버린 정도였다.

그리고 무대에서 공연을 한다는 것은 꿈 속에서나 가능한 일일까?………

열린 음악회에서 노래를 불렀던 것을 빼곤

대중들 앞에서 기타를 치고 노래를 한다는 것은 힘든 일이라고 생각했고

그 파란색 기타에 대해서도

잊고 있었다.

젊은이들은 크리스마스라고 가슴 설레던 그 날.

바로 크리스마스 이브에 방송국으로 연락이왔다.

그 때 약속했던 기타가 다 만들어졌으니 가지고 가겠다는 것이었다.

볼이 아리도록 추운 날.

달마팔자 님(지금은 폐쇄해 버린 길은정 행복카페의 회원 닉네임)이

산타 클로스처럼,

여성용으로 작고 예쁜 모양에

금색으로 영문 ‘길은정’이라는 이름을 새긴

파란 색 기타를 들고 찾아오신 것이었다.

파란 색으로 칠을 했지만

원목의 결을 그대로 살려,

얼마나 이 기타를 만드는데 공을 들였는지  금방 알 수 있을 정도였다.

나는 정작 잊고 있었던

내 이름이 새겨진,

나 만의 파란색 기타………

세상에 단 하나 뿐인 기타……

그 기타를 쓰다듬으며

왈칵 울음을 터뜨렸다.

만감이 교차하는 울음이었다.

잊지않고 나 만의 기타를 만들고 있었던 ‘콜트 Cort’ 기타회사 직원들과

달마팔자님의 선의를 생각하니

그 어떤 말로도 고맙다는 표현을 대신할 수 없을 것 같았다.

고맙다고 말하며, 연신 눈물을 흘렸다.

그리고 한참 동안 기타를 쓰다듬다가 자리를 정리했다.

그대로 있다가는 날을 새도 모를 지경이기 때문이었다.

‘조금만 더 일찍 만들어졌다면….

열린 음악회에 나갔을 때 연주할 수 있었을 걸’

아쉬운 마음을 표현하기도 했다.

집에 돌아와

꺼내보고 또 꺼내보고

쓰다듬고 또 쓰다듬고

소리를 내보고 줄을 맞추고….

휠체어에 앉아 기타를 오래 안고 있기에는 무리한 일이었는데도

나는 그랬다.

나는 그랬다……….

그리고 나는 ‘길은정의 노래하나 추억 둘 송년특집. 라이브 우체국’을

생방송으로 진행할 때

그 파란색 기타로 ‘호텔 캘리포니아’ 를 연주했다.

기타 폭이 좁아, 휠체어에서 조금 앞으로 자세를 빼어 앉으면

연주할 수 있는 모델이라

나는 내 사랑을 흠뻑 담아 기타 줄을 퉁겼다.

행복한 2시간 동안의 생방송이 순간처럼 흘러갔다.

그렇게 파란색, 내 이름이 새겨진, 나 만의 기타와 나는 하나가 된 듯 했다.

아이처럼 자랑하고 싶어 자꾸만 꺼내어 보고 있다.

이젠 기타를 메고 앉을 무대도 없으면서……

……. 요즘은 책을 읽기도 힘겹고

인터넷에서 오랫동안 글자를 읽고 쓰기도 어려워졌다.

의사의 말로는

암세포가 내 두뇌로 옮겨가

시신경 어느 부분을 누르고 있기 때문이라고 했다.

그러나 난 그다지 신경쓰지 않는다.

이제 모든 것은 내 마음과 정신력에 달렸을 뿐,

병원에서 내게 해 줄 수 있는 일이란,

엄청난 말기 암의 통증을 줄일 수 있는 ‘몰핀’ 주사를 놓아주고

역시 ‘마약류’로 분류되는 진통제를 처방해 주는 일 뿐이다.

내가 방송하는 목소리를 듣고는 정말 아픈 것 맞냐고 묻는 이도 있는 걸…..

이제 모든 것은 내 정신력에 달려있고

스트레스를 조금이라도 덜 받도록 노력해야 할텐데…..

내가 하는 일이 아닌, 남이 하는 일에 대해서는 어찌할 수 없기에

스트레스를 줄이는 일은 나 혼자만의 힘으로는 어찌할 수 없을 것 같다.

………

말이 통하는 사람이 곁에 있었으면 좋겠다.

파랑색처럼 순수하고 맑으며

천재성이 빛나는 사람이 있었으면 좋겠다.

내가 좋아하는 파란색 같은 사람.

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February 24, 2008 by heaven34yz

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E. A. Poe Society of Baltimore

February 24, 2008 by heaven34yz
Last Update: Oct. 23, 1999 
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Text:
Edgar
Allan Poe, “Ligeia” (B),
Tales of the Grotesque and
Arabesque
,
1840, 1:171-192


[page 171:]

LIGEIA.
 

 

   And the will therein lieth, which dieth
not. Who knoweth the mysteries of the will, with its vigor? For God is
but a great will pervading all things by nature of its intentness. Man
doth not yield himself to the angels, nor unto death utterly, save only
through the weakness of his feeble will.

JOSEPH GLANVILL.       
.

 

   I CANNOT, for my soul, remember
how,
when, or even precisely where, I first became acquainted with the Lady
Ligeia. Long years have since elapsed, and my memory is feeble through
much suffering. Or, perhaps, I cannot now bring these points to
mind, because, in truth, the character of my beloved, her rare
learning,
her singular yet placid cast of beauty, and the thrilling and
enthralling
eloquence of her low, musical language, made their way into my heart by
paces so steadily and stealthily progressive, that they have been
unnoticed
and unknown. Yet I believe that I met her most frequently in some
large,
old, decaying city near the Rhine. Of her family — I have surely heard
her speak — that they are of a remotely ancient date cannot be doubted.
Ligeia! Buried in studies of a nature more than all else adapted to [page
172:]
deaden impressions of the outward world, it is by that
sweet word alone — by Ligeia — that I bring before mine eyes in fancy
the
image of her who is no more. And now, while I write, a recollection
flashes
upon me that I have never known the paternal name of her who
was
my friend and my betrothed, and who became the partner of my studies,
and
eventually the wife of my bosom. Was it a playful charge on the part of
my Ligeia? or was it a test of my strength of affection that I should
institute
no inquiries upon this point? or was it rather a caprice of my own — a
wildly romantic offering on the shrine of the most passionate devotion?
I but indistinctly recall the fact itself — what wonder that I have
utterly
forgotten the circumstances which originated or attended it? And,
indeed,
if ever that spirit which is entitled Romance — if ever she,
the
wan, and the misty-winged Ashtophet of idolatrous Egypt,
presided,
as they tell, over marriages ill-omened, then most surely she presided
over mine.

    There is one dear topic, however, on which my
memory
faileth me not. It is the person of Ligeia. In stature she was tall,
somewhat
slender, and in her latter days even emaciated. I would in vain attempt
to portray the majesty, the quiet ease, of her demeanor, or the
incomprehensible
lightness and elasticity of her footfall. She came and departed like a
shadow. I was never made aware of her entrance into my closed study
save
by the dear music of her low sweet voice, as she placed her delicate
hand
upon my shoulder. In beauty of face no maiden ever [page 173:]
equalled her. It was the radiance of an opium dream — an airy and
spirit-lifting
vision more wildly divine than the phantasies which hovered about the
slumbering
souls of the daughters of Delos. Yet her features were not of that
regular
mould which we have been falsely taught to worship in the classical
labors
of the heathen. “There is no exquisite beauty,” says Bacon, Lord
Verülam,
speaking truly of all the forms and genera of beauty, “without
some
strangeness in the proportions.” Yet, although I saw that the
features
of Ligeia were not of classic regularity, although I perceived that her
loveliness was indeed “exquisite,” and felt that there was much of
“strangeness”
pervading it, yet I have tried in vain to detect the irregularity, and
to trace home my own perception of “the strange.” I examined the
contour
of the lofty and pale forehead — it was faultless — how cold indeed
that
word when applied to a majesty so divine! — the skin rivalling the
purest
ivory, the commanding extent and repose, the gentle prominence of the
regions
above the temples, and then the raven-black, the glossy, the luxuriant
and naturally-curling tresses, setting forth the full force of the
Homeric
epithet, “hyacinthine!” I looked at the delicate outlines of the nose —
and nowhere but in the graceful medallions of the Hebrews had I beheld
a similar perfection. There was the same luxurious smoothness of
surface,
the same scarcely perceptible tendency to the aquiline, the same
harmoniously
curved nostril speaking the free spirit. I regarded the sweet mouth.
Here
was indeed the triumph of all things heavenly — the [page
174:]

magnificent turn of the short upper lip — the soft, voluptuous slumber
of the under — the dimples which sported, and the color which spoke —
the
teeth glancing back, with a brilliancy almost startling, every ray of
the
holy light which fell upon them in her serene, and placid, yet most
exultingly
radiant of all smiles. I scrutinized the formation of the chin — and
here,
too, I found the gentleness of breadth, the softness and the majesty,
the
fulness and the spirituality, of the Greek, — the contour which the god
Apollo revealed but in a dream, to Cleomenes, the son of the Athenian.
And then I peered into the large eyes of Ligeia.

    For eyes we have no models in the remotely
antique.
It might have been, too, that in these eyes of my beloved lay the
secret
to which Lord Verülam alludes. They were, I must believe, far
larger
than the ordinary eyes of our race. They were even far fuller than the
fullest of the Gazelle eyes of the tribe of the valley of Nourjahad.
Yet
it was only at intervals — in moments of intense excitement — that this
peculiarity became more than slightly noticeable in Ligeia. And at such
moments was her beauty — in my heated fancy thus it appeared perhaps —
the beauty of beings either above or apart from the earth — the beauty
of the fabulous Houri of the Turk. The color of the orbs was the most
brilliant
of black, and far over them hung jetty lashes of great length. The
brows,
slightly irregular in outline, had the same hue. The “strangeness,”
however,
which I found in the eyes was of a nature distinct from the formation,
[page 175:] or the color, or the brilliancy of the
features, and must, after all, be referred to the expression.
Ah,
word of no meaning! behind whose vast latitude of mere sound we
intrench
our ignorance of so much of the spiritual. The expression of the eyes
of
Ligeia! How, for long hours have I pondered upon it! How have I,
through
the whole of a midsummer night, struggled to fathom it! What was it —
that
something more profound than the well of Democritus — which lay far
within
the pupils of my beloved? What was it? I was possessed with a
passion
to discover. Those eyes! those large, those shining, those divine orbs!
they became to me twin stars of Leda, and I to them devoutest of
astrologers.
Not for a moment was the unfathomable meaning of their glance, by day
or
by night, absent from my soul.

    There is no point, among the many
incomprehensible
anomalies of the science of mind, more thrillingly exciting than the
fact
— never, I believe, noticed in the schools — that in our endeavors to
recall
to memory something long forgotten we often find ourselves upon the
very verge
of remembrance without being able, in the end, to
remember.
And thus, how frequently, in my intense scrutiny of Ligeia’s eyes, have
I felt approaching the full knowledge of the secret of their expression
— felt it approaching — yet not quite be mine — and so at length
entirely
depart. And (strange, oh strangest mystery of all!) I found, in the
commonest
objects of the universe, a circle of analogies to that expression. [page
176:]
I mean to say that, subsequently to the period when
Ligeia’s
beauty passed into my spirit, there dwelling as in a shrine, I derived,
from many existences in the material world, a sentiment such as I felt
always aroused within me by her large and luminous orbs. Yet not the
more
could I define that sentiment, or analyze, or even steadily view it. I
recognized it, let me repeat, sometimes in the commonest objects of the
universe. It has flashed upon me in the survey of a rapidly-growing
vine
— in the contemplation of a moth, a butterfly, a chrysalis, a stream of
running water. I have felt it in the ocean, in the falling of a meteor.
I have felt it in the glances of unusually aged people. And there are
one
or two stars in heaven — (one especially, a star of the sixth
magnitude,
double and changeable, to be found near the large star in Lyra) in a
telescopic
scrutiny of which I have been made aware of the feeling. I have been
filled
with it by certain sounds from stringed instruments, and not
unfrequently
by passages from books. Among innumerable other instances, I well
remember
something in a volume of Joseph Glanvill, which (perhaps merely from
its
quaintness — who shall say?) never failed to inspire me with the
sentiment,
— “And the will therein lieth, which dieth not. Who knoweth the
mysteries
of the will, with its vigor? For God is but a great will pervading all
things by nature of its intentness. Man doth not yield him to the
angels,
nor unto death utterly, but only through the weakness of his feeble
will.”
[page 177:]

    Length of years, and subsequent reflection, have
enabled me to trace, indeed, some remote connexion between this passage
in the old English moralist and a portion of the character of Ligeia.
An
intensity in thought, action, or speech, was possibly, in her, a
result, or at least an index, of that gigantic volition which, during
our
long intercourse, failed to give other and more immediate evidence of
its
existence. Of all women whom I have ever known she, the outwardly calm,
the ever-placid Ligeia, was the most violently a prey to the tumultuous
vultures of stern passion. And of such passion I could form no
estimate,
save by the miraculous expansion of those eyes which at once so
delighted
and appalled me, by the almost magical melody, modulation, distinctness
and placidity of her very low voice, and by the fierce energy (rendered
doubly effective by contrast with her manner of utterance) of the words
which she uttered.

    I have spoken of the learning of Ligeia: it was
immense
— such as I have never known in woman. In the classical tongues was she
deeply proficient, and as far as my own acquaintance extended in regard
to the modern dialects of Europe, I have never known her at fault.
Indeed
upon any theme of the most admired, because simply the most abstruse,
of
the boasted erudition of the academy, have I ever found Ligeia at
fault?
How singularly, how thrillingly, this one point in the nature of my
wife
has forced itself, at this late period only, upon my attention! I said
her knowledge was such as I had never [page 178:]
known
in woman. Where breathes the man who, like her, has traversed, and
successfully,
all the wide areas of moral, natural, and mathematical science?
I saw not then what I now clearly perceive, that the acquisitions of
Ligeia
were gigantic, were astounding — yet I was sufficiently aware of her
infinite
supremacy to resign myself, with a child-like confidence, to her
guidance
through the chaotic world of metaphysical investigation at which I was
most busily occupied during the earlier years of our marriage. With how
vast a triumph — with how vivid a delight — with how much of all that
is
ethereal in hope — did I feel, as she bent over me in studies
but
little sought for — but less known — that delicious vista by slow but
perceptible
degrees expanding before me, down whose long, gorgeous, and all
untrodden
path, I might at length pass onward to the goal of a wisdom too
divinely
precious not to be forbidden!

    How poignant, then, must have been the grief with
which, after some years, I beheld my wellgrounded expectations take
wings
to themselves and flee away! Without Ligeia I was but as a child
groping
benighted. Her presence, her readings alone, rendered vividly luminous
the many mysteries of the transcendentalism in which we were immersed.
Letters, lambent and golden, grew duller than Saturnian lead, wanting
the
radiant lustre of her eyes. And now those eyes shone less and less
frequently
upon the pages over which I pored. Ligeia grew ill. The wild eye blazed
with a too — [page 179:] too glorious effulgence;
the
pale fingers became of the transparent waxen hue of the grave — and the
blue veins upon the lofty forehead swelled and sunk impetuously with
the
tides of the most gentle emotion. I saw that she must die — and I
struggled
desperately in spirit with the grim Azrael. And the struggles of the
passionate
wife were, to my astonishment, even more energetic than my own. There
had
been much in her stern nature to impress me with the belief that, to
her,
death would have come without its terrors — but not so. Words are
impotent
to convey any just idea of the fierceness of resistance with which she
wrestled with the dark shadow. I groaned in anguish at the pitiable
spectacle.
I would have soothed — I would have reasoned; but in the intensity of
her
wild desire for life — for life — but for life, solace and
reason
were alike the uttermost of folly. Yet not for an instant, amid the
most
convulsive writhings of her fierce spirit, was shaken the external
placidity
of her demeanor. Her voice grew more gentle — grew more low — yet I
would
not wish to dwell upon the wild meaning of the quietly-uttered words.
My
brain reeled as I hearkened, entranced, to a melody more than mortal —
to assumptions and aspirations which mortality had never before known.

    That she loved me, I should not have doubted; and
I might have been easily aware that, in a bosom such as hers, love
would
have reigned no ordinary passion. But in death only, was I fully
impressed
with the strength of her affection. For long hours, detaining [page
180:]
my hand, would she pour out before me the overflowings
of a heart whose more than passionate devotion amounted to idolatry.
How
had I deserved to be so blessed by such confessions? — how had I
deserved
to be so cursed with the removal of my beloved in the hour of her
making
them? But upon this subject I cannot bear to dilate. Let me say only,
that
in Ligeia’s more than womanly abandonment to a love, alas! all
unmerited,
all unworthily bestowed, I at length recognised the principle of her
longing
with so wildly earnest a desire for the life which was now fleeing so
rapidly
away. It is this wild longing — it is this eager vehemence of desire
for
life — but for life — that I have no power to portray — no
utterance
capable of expressing. Methinks I again behold the terrific struggles
of
her lofty, her nearly idealized nature, with the might and the terror,
and the majesty, of the great Shadow. But she perished. The giant will
succumbed to a power more stern. And I thought, as I gazed upon the
corpse,
of the wild passage in Joseph Glanvill: “The will therein lieth, which
dieth not. Who knoweth the mysteries of the will, with its vigor? For
God
is but a great will pervading all things by nature of its intentness.
Man
doth not yield him to the angels, nor unto death utterly, save
only
through the weakness of his feeble will.”

    She died — and I, crushed into the very dust with
sorrow, could no longer endure the lonely desolation of my dwelling in
the dim and decaying city by the Rhine. I had no lack of what the world
terms [page 181:] wealth — Ligeia had brought me
far
more, very far more, than falls ordinarily to the lot of mortals. After
a few months, therefore, of weary and aimless wandering, I purchased,
and
put in some repair, an abbey, which I shall not name, in one of the
wildest
and least frequented portions of fair England. The gloomy and dreary
grandeur
of the building, the almost savage aspect of the domain, the many
melancholy
and time-honored memories connected with both, had much in unison with
the feelings of utter abandonment which had driven me into that remote
and unsocial region of the country. Yet although the external abbey,
with
its verdant decay hanging about it, suffered but little alteration, I
gave
way, with a child-like perversity, and perchance with a faint hope of
alleviating
my sorrows, to a display of more than regal magnificence within. For
such
follies even in childhood I had imbibed a taste, and now they came back
to me as if in the dotage of grief. Alas, I feel how much even of
incipient
madness might have been discovered in the gorgeous and fantastic
draperies,
in the solemn carvings of Egypt, in the wild cornices and furniture, in
the bedlam patterns of the carpets of tufted gold! I had become a
bounden
slave in the trammels of opium, and my labors and my orders had taken a
coloring from my dreams. But these absurdities I must not pause to
detail.
Let me speak only of that one chamber, ever accursed, whither, in a
moment
of mental alienation, I led from the altar as my bride — as the
successor
of the unforgotten Ligeia — the [page 182:]
fair-haired
and blue-eyed Lady Rowena Trevanion, of Tremaine.

    There is not any individual portion of the
architecture
and decoration of that bridal chamber which is not now visibly before
me.
Where were the souls of the haughty family of the bride, when, through
thirst of gold, they permitted to pass the threshold of an apartment so
bedecked, a maiden and a daughter so beloved? I have said that I
minutely
remember the details of the chamber — yet I am sadly forgetful on
topics
of deep moment — and here there was no system, no keeping, in the
fantastic
display, to take hold upon the memory. The room lay in a high turret of
the castellated abbey, was pentagonal in shape, and of capacious size.
Occupying the whole southern face of the pentagon was the sole window —
an immense sheet of unbroken glass from Venice — a single pane, and
tinted
of a leaden hue, so that the rays of either the sun or moon, passing
through
it, fell with a ghastly lustre upon the objects within. Over the upper
portion of this huge window extended the open trellice-work of an aged
vine which clambered up the massy walls of the turret. The ceiling, of
gloomy-looking oak, was excessively lofty, vaulted, and elaborately
fretted
with the wildest and most grotesque specimens of a semi-Gothic,
semi-Druidical
device. From out the most central recess of this melancholy vaulting,
depended,
by a single chain of gold, with long links, a huge censer of the same
metal,
Saracenic in pattern, and with many perforations so contrived that
there
[page 183:] writhed in and out of them, as if
endued
with a serpent vitality, a continual succession of particolored fires.
Some few ottomans and golden candelabra of Eastern figure were in
various
stations about — and there was the couch, too, the bridal couch, of an
Indian model, and low, and sculptured of solid ebony, with a canopy
above.
In each of the angles of the chamber, stood on end a gigantic
sarcophagus
of black granite, from the tombs of the kings over against Luxor, with
their aged lids full of immemorial sculpture. But in the draping of the
apartment lay, alas! the chief phantasy of all. The lofty walls —
gigantic
in height — even unproportionably so, were hung from summit to foot, in
vast folds, with a heavy and massive looking tapestry — tapestry of a
material
which was found alike as a carpet on the floor, as a covering for the
ottomans
and the ebony bed, as a canopy for the bed, and as the gorgeous volutes
of the curtains which partially shaded the window. This material was
the
richest cloth of gold. It was spotted all over, at irregular intervals,
with arabesque figures, of about a foot in diameter, and wrought upon
the
cloth in patterns of the most jetty black. But these figures partook of
the true character of the arabesque only when regarded from a single
point
of view. By a contrivance now common, and indeed traceable to a very
remote
period of antiquity, they were made changeable in aspect. To one
entering
the room they bore the appearance of simple monstrosities; but, upon a
farther advance, this appearance suddenly [page 184:]
departed; and, step by step, as the visiter moved his station in the
chamber,
he saw himself surrounded by an endless succession of the ghastly forms
which belong to the superstition of the Northman, or arise in the
guilty
slumbers of the monk. The phantasmagoric effect was vastly heightened
by
the artificial introduction of a strong continual current of wind
behind
the draperies — giving a hideous and uneasy animation to the whole.

    In halls such as these — in a bridal chamber such
as this — I passed, with the Lady of Tremaine, the unhallowed hours of
the first month of our marriage — passed them with but little
disquietude.
That my wife dreaded the fierce moodiness of my temper — that she
shunned
me, and loved me but little — I could not help perceiving — but it gave
me rather pleasure than otherwise. I loathed her with a hatred
belonging
more to demon than to man. My memory flew back, (oh, with what
intensity
of regret!) to Ligeia, the beloved, the beautiful, the entombed. I
revelled
in recollections of her purity, of her wisdom, of her lofty, her
ethereal
nature, of her passionate, her idolatrous love. Now, then, did my
spirit
fully and freely burn with more than all the fires of her own. In the
excitement
of my opium dreams (for I was habitually fettered in the iron shackles
of the drug) I would call aloud upon her name, during the silence of
the
night, or among the sheltered recesses of the glens by day, as if,
through
the wild eagerness, the solemn passion, the consuming ardor of my
longing
for the departed [page 185:] Ligeia, I could
restore
the departed Ligeia to the pathway she had abandoned upon earth.

    About the commencement of the second month of the
marriage, the Lady Rowena was attacked with sudden illness from which
her
recovery was slow. The fever which consumed her rendered her nights
uneasy,
and, in her perturbed state of half-slumber, she spoke of sounds, and
of
motions, in and about the chamber of the turret, which had no origin
save
in the distemper of her fancy, or, perhaps, in the phantastic
influences
of the chamber itself. She became at length convalescent — finally
well.
Yet but a brief period elapsed, ere a second more violent disorder
again
threw her upon a bed of suffering — and from this attack her frame, at
all times feeble, never altogether recovered. Her illnesses were, after
this epoch, of alarming character, and of more alarming recurrence,
defying
alike the knowledge and the great exertions of her medical men. With
the
increase of the chronic disease which had thus, apparently, taken too
sure
hold upon her constitution to be eradicated by human means, I could not
fail to observe a similar increase in the nervous irritation of her
temperament,
and in her excitability by trivial causes of fear. Indeed reason seemed
fast tottering from her throne. She spoke again, and now more
frequently
and pertinaciously, of the sounds, of the slight sounds, and of the
unusual
motions among the tapestries, to which she had formerly alluded.

    One night near the closing in of September, she
pressed
this distressing subject with more than usual [page 186:]
emphasis upon my attention. She had just awakened from an unquiet
slumber,
and I had been watching, with feelings half of anxiety, half of a vague
terror, the workings of her emaciated countenance. I sat by the side of
her ebony bed, upon one of the ottomans of India. She partly arose, and
spoke, in an earnest low whisper, of sounds which she then
heard,
but which I could not hear, of motions which she then saw, but
which
I could not perceive. The wind was rushing hurriedly behind the
tapestries,
and I wished to show her (what, let me confess it, I could not all
believe) that those faint, almost inarticulate breathings, and the very
gentle variations of the figures upon the wall, were but the natural
effects
of that customary rushing of the wind. But a deadly pallor,
overspreading
her face, had proved to me that my exertions to reassure her would be
fruitless.
She appeared to be fainting, and no attendants were within call. I
remembered
where was deposited a decanter of some light wine which had been
ordered
by her physicians, and hastened across the chamber to procure it. But,
as I stepped beneath the light of the censer, two circumstances of a
startling
nature attracted my attention. I had felt that some palpable object had
passed lightly by my person; and I saw that there lay a faint
indefinite
shadow upon the golden carpet, in the very middle of the rich lustre
thrown
from the censer. But I was wild with the excitement of an immoderate
dose
of opium, and heeded these things but little, nor spoke of them to
Rowena.
Finding the wine, I recrossed the chamber, [page 187:]
and poured out a gobletful, which I held to the lips of the fainting
lady.
She had now partially recovered, however, and took, herself, the
vessel,
while I sank upon the ottoman near me, with my eyes rivetted upon her
person.
It was then that I became distinctly aware of a gentle foot-fall upon
the
carpet, and near the couch; and, in a second thereafter, as Rowena was
in the act of raising the wine to her lips, I saw, or may have dreamed
that I saw, fall within the goblet, as if from some invisible spring in
the atmosphere of the room, three or four large drops of a brilliant
and
ruby-colored fluid. If this I saw — not so Rowena. She swallowed the
wine
unhesitatingly, and I forbore to speak to her of a circumstance which
must,
after all, I considered, have been but the suggestion of a vivid
imagination,
rendered morbidly active by the terror of the lady, by the opium, and
by
the hour.

    Yet — I cannot conceal it from myself — after
this
period, a rapid change for the worse took place in the disorder of my
wife;
so that, on the third subsequent night, the hands of her menials
prepared
her for the tomb, and on the fourth, I sat alone, with her shrouded
body,
in that fantastic chamber which had received her as my bride. Wild
visions,
opium engendered, flitted, shadow-like, before me. I gazed with unquiet
eye upon the sarcophagi in the angles of the room, upon the varying
figures
of the drapery, and upon the writhing of the particolored fires in the
censer overhead. My eyes then fell, as I called to mind the
circumstances
of a former night, to the [page 188:] spot beneath
the glare of the censer where I had beheld the faint traces of the
shadow.
It was there, however, no longer, and, breathing with greater freedom,
I turned my glances to the pallid and rigid figure upon the bed. Then
rushed
upon me a thousand memories of Ligeia — and then came back upon my
heart,
with the turbulent violence of a flood, the whole of that unutterable
wo
with which I had regarded her thus enshrouded. The night waned;
and still, with a bosom full of bitter thoughts of the one only and
supremely
beloved, I remained with mine eyes rivetted upon the body of Rowena.

    It might have been midnight, or perhaps earlier,
or later, for I had taken no note of time, when a sob, low, gentle, but
very distinct, startled me from my revery. I felt that it came
from
the bed of ebony — the bed of death. I listened in an agony of
superstitious
terror — but there was no repetition of the sound; I strained my vision
to detect any motion in the corpse, but there was not the slightest
perceptible.
Yet I could not have been deceived. I had heard the noise,
however
faint, and my whole soul was awakened within me, as I resolutely and
perseveringly
kept my attention rivetted upon the body. Many minutes elapsed before
any
circumstance occurred tending to throw light upon the mystery. At
length
it became evident that a slight, a very faint, and barely noticeable
tinge
of color had flushed up within the cheeks, and along the sunken small
veins
of the eyelids. Through a species of unutterable horror and awe, for
which
the language of mortality has [page 189:] no
sufficiently
energetic expression, I felt my brain reel, my heart cease to beat, my
limbs grow rigid where I sat. Yet a sense of duty finally operated to
restore
my self-possession. I could no longer doubt that we had been
precipitate
in our preparations for interment — that Rowena still lived. It was
necessary
that some immediate exertion be made; yet the turret was altogether
apart
from the portion of the abbey tenanted by the servants — there were
none
within call, — I had no means of summoning them to my aid without
leaving
the room for many minutes — and this I could not venture to do. I
therefore
struggled alone in my endeavors to call back the spirit still hovering.
In a short period it was certain, however, that a relapse had taken
place;
the color utterly disappeared from both eyelid and cheek, leaving a
wanness
even more than that of marble; the lips became doubly shrivelled and
pinched
up in the ghastly expression of death; a repulsive clamminess and
coldness
overspread rapidly the surface of the body; and all the usual rigorous
stiffness immediately supervened. I fell back with a shudder upon the
couch
from which I had been so startlingly aroused, and again gave myself up
to passionate waking visions of Ligeia.

    An hour thus elapsed when, (could it be
possible?)
I was a second time aware of some vague sound issuing from the region
of
the bed. I listened — in extremity of horror. The sound came again — it
was a sigh. Rushing to the corpse, I saw — distinctly [page
190:]

saw — a tremor upon the lips. In a minute after, they slightly relaxed,
disclosing a bright line of the pearly teeth. Amazement now struggled
in
my bosom with the profound awe which had hitherto reigned therein
alone.
I felt that my vision grew dim, that my reason wandered, and it was
only
by a convulsive effort that I at length succeeded in nerving myself to
the task which duty thus, once more, had pointed out. There was now a
partial
glow upon the forehead and upon the cheek and throat — a perceptible
warmth
pervaded the whole frame — there was even a slight pulsation at the
heart.
The lady lived; and with redoubled ardor I betook myself to the task of
restoration. I chafed and bathed the temples and the hands, and used
every
exertion which experience, and no little medical reading, could
suggest.
But in vain. Suddenly, the color fled, the pulsation ceased, the lips
resumed
the expression of the dead, and, in an instant afterwards, the whole
body
took upon itself the icy chillness, the livid hue, the intense
rigidity,
the sunken outline, and each and all of the loathsome peculiarities of
that which has been, for many days, a tenant of the tomb.

    And again I sunk into visions of Ligeia — and
again,
(what marvel that I shudder while I write?) again there reached
my ears a low sob from the region of the ebony bed. But why shall I
minutely
detail the unspeakable horrors of that night? Why shall I pause to
relate
how, time after time, until near the period of the gray dawn, this
hideous
drama of [page 191:] revivification was repeated,
and
how each terrific relapse was only into a sterner and apparently more
irredeemable
death? Let me hurry to a conclusion.

    The greater part of the fearful night had worn
away,
and the corpse of Rowena once again stirred — and now more vigorously
than
hitherto, although arousing from a dissolution more appalling in its
utter
hopelessness than any. I had long ceased to struggle or to move, and
remained
sitting rigidly upon the ottoman, a helpless prey to a whirl of violent
emotions, of which extreme awe was perhaps the least terrible, the
least
consuming. The corpse, I repeat, stirred, and now more vigorously than
before. The hues of life flushed up with unwonted energy into the
countenance
— the limbs relaxed — and, save that the eyelids were yet pressed
heavily
together, and that the bandages and draperies of the grave still
imparted
their charnel character to the figure, I might have dreamed that Rowena
had indeed shaken off, utterly, the fetters of Death. But if this idea
was not, even then, altogether adopted, I could, at least, doubt no
longer,
when, arising from the bed, tottering, with feeble steps, with closed
eyes,
and with the manner of one bewildered in a dream, the Lady of Tremaine
advanced bodily and palpably into the middle of the apartment.

    I trembled not — I stirred not — for a crowd of
unutterable
fancies connected with the air, the demeanor of the figure, rushing
hurriedly
through my brain, had paralyzed, had chilled me into stone. I stirred
not
— but gazed upon the apparition. There [page 192:]
was a mad disorder in my thoughts — a tumult unappeasable. Could it,
indeed,
be the living Rowena who confronted me? Why, why should
I
doubt it? The bandage lay heavily about the mouth — but then it was the
mouth of the breathing Lady of Tremaine. And the cheeks — there were
the
roses as in her noon of life — yes, these were indeed the fair cheeks
of
the living Lady of Tremaine. And the chin, with its dimples, as in
health,
was it not hers? — but had she then grown taller since her malady?
What inexpressible madness seized me with that thought? One bound, and
I had reached her feet! Shrinking from my touch, she let fall from her
head, unloosened, the ghastly cerements which had confined it, and
there
streamed forth, into the rushing atmosphere of the chamber, huge masses
of long and dishevelled hair. It was blacker than the raven wings
of
the midnight!
And now the eyes opened of the figure which stood
before
me. “Here then, at least,” I shrieked aloud, “can I never — can I never
be mistaken — these are the full, and the black, and the wild eyes — of
the lady — of the Lady Ligeia!”

 


[The running header on even numbered pages is: "GROTESQUE AND
ARABESQUE."
On odd numbered pages, the page header is: "LIGEIA."]
 

~~~ End of Text ~~~

[S:0 - TGA, 1840]

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